By Dr. Alison Freeman
When we talk to someone who is wearing glasses, we don’t give any thought to what it is that they need in order to see. Vision is easily measured in finite numbers like 20/100, whereas hearing loss is very complex with a multitude of factors and variations such as frequency, pitch, discrimination and volume.
People who wears glasses don’t need to explain their vision impairment whereas people who have hearing loss have an invisible disability that is often vague even when described. Even if we show or wear our hearing aids visibly, this ambiguity is a stressor that means continually adjusting to every person, place, and situation throughout the day.
Hearing loss is primarily a communication disability rather than simply not being able to hear sounds. Struggling to understand conversations, participate in professional meetings, or listen to music is a constant stress every day. An essential part of dealing with hearing loss is recognizing that stress is inevitable rather than trying to avoid it. As such, it is important to learn more effective and productive stress management and communication skills.
It is important to note that there are different emotional challenges which affect people who have early childhood hearing loss and those who have hearing loss later in life. Children are often dealing much more with isolation and loneliness, whereas adults who experience hearing loss are grieving what they once had. This emotional process and journey leading to acceptance of one’s hearing loss is often fraught with denial, anger, grief, frustration, depression, loneliness and finally acceptance. All of these emotions produce stress.
Reducing Stress
One of the major factors in effective stress management is being able recognize what we can and cannot control. When we educate others about our needs, we can take charge and in doing so, we can help minimize stress for ourselves as well as for those that we are communicating with.
Two basic assumptions underlie my own communication philosophy. First, I assume that most people know little if anything about my hearing loss. Second, I proceed as if most of them are embarrassed about asking me for what I need in order to communicate. They often think that they should know what I need, but since they don’t, they wrongly assume that it is not polite to ask. I view my role as that of an educator and believe that the more people know and understand about my hearing loss, the more effective communication will be for everyone involved. By broaching the subject myself, I lower their stress level and mine as well!
In my work as a psychologist at California State University at Northridge and in my private practice, I have a standard spiel whenever I meet a hearing client for the first time. It goes something like this, “Hi. Before we start, I would like to tell you that I have a hearing loss and what that means is that I can both hear and lipread. So, if during the course of our conversation, if you are not sure I heard you correctly, please don’t be shy in telling me so. Likewise, I may ask you to repeat something if I am not sure that I understood you.” When I first started doing this, I felt awkward, as if I were taking up the patient’s time with my problem. My thinking was that patients came in to talk about their problems, not mine. Now I realize that this makes getting off to a smooth start much easier; on the rare occasions when I sense that this makes someone uncomfortable, I will add, “I understand if you are not comfortable with this and I would be happy to give you a referral to see someone else on our staff.“
Self-Advocate for Success
For many people with hearing loss, embarrassment and a sense of shame prevent them from telling others about their hearing loss. This often results in giving the wrong impression of themselves, for example, that they are rude, uncaring, or stupid. However, if you stop to REALLY think about it, by not addressing your needs, you are causing your worst fears to be realized. So the question is whether you would rather be seen as rude/uncaring/stupid or as hard of hearing or deaf?
Another difficulty in telling others about our hearing loss may lie in distinguishing between being aggressive and being assertive. Acting aggressive is being demanding, whereas acting assertive is being respectful without being intimidating. Acting assertive may be easier for people who are extroverted, but it helps to remember that not doing so can create many erroneous assumptions and/or embarrassing mistakes. This distinction is explained beautifully by behavioral psychotherapist Donald Robertson in his book Build Your Resilience: How to Survive and Thrive in Any Situation:
“Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act in our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express feelings honestly and comfortably, and to exercise our personal rights without denying the rights of others.”
While having a hearing loss is certainly annoying and stressful at times, I have learned that the more I take responsibility for communicating my needs the more comfortable and less problematic my hearing loss becomes. Ultimately, the journey of accepting one’s hearing loss is a gradual and ongoing process.
Alison Freeman, PhD, is a psychologist based in Los Angeles who specializes in hearing loss, trauma and crisis counseling, and stress management.
